Finding Time

There are times when I feel my husband and I are on each others same wave lengths and others I am like why are we both in left field and can't communicate? When reading Gottman's 3rd Principle Turning toward each other instead of away it reminded me of why sometimes we seem to connected very easily and others we just can't seem to click.
I took time to evaluate and think about why I feel we are off after reviewing this Principle and I concluded that we weren't turning towards each other. We are sampling missing the clues that we both are seeking attention from each other and then get upset that the clues aren't being read and feel neglected.  We were putting up roadblocks.

These missed connections happen because sometimes we are defensive to our spouses and don't see the intent they are really try to get across to us as their partner. I am one to admit that I always think that my spouse is busy with work, school work, or other concerns to spend time with me. I am a supportive spouse but I also like my time with him and I express this often and he always usually replies with I am here at home. I need to be more clear that I miss spending actually time with him talking and being together.

When I brought this up to him and being we are both in school so we have decided that since our afternoon is filled with children and their activities and then after they go to bed we focus on our own school work we came up with a plan of me visiting him at work and I sit and do my school work in his office while he works on days he doesn't have meetings and my youngest is in preschool. It is just a 2 hours but those two hours we are able to be together and feel like we aren't always doing separate things but are able to get a few chats in here and there between his phone calls and my readings. I have found that it's these small moments of making time for each other is a great way of showing each other that we are trying to make time for our relationship even if it is doing work together!

Since we have started doing this our conversations come easier. I feel we are more aware of each others stresses and demands of work and school work. I know that he would love to give me 100 percent of his time but he spends most of that time trying to make life better for myself and our children and make sure we have everything we need and more in life.


Even though we might not communicate the best it is our intention to be the best we can for each other and work on communicating better and making time for each other because in the end we do love each other forever and ever and ever...

Love Map

How did we become to know our spouse? I say "to know" your spouse is accomplished through dating. When thinking back to dating my husband we had a blast! We did things together and with other peers our age. We attended sporting events, played co-ed sports together, and even studied together. We had mutual likes and even differences but we had fun together. This was the start of our love map. Starting off we were just trying to figure out what each other liked and disliked and as we figured that out our map was starting and making branches off of our first interaction. Since our first date and now into 12 years of marriage I can tell you that my husband is an avid sports lover and is a die heart NC STATE fan and in his house we do not like UNC. He likes to have his clothes washed in only Tide detergent and refuses to use anything other than Charmin as toilet paper. He will eat just about anything but no onions. He is a kid at heart and still likes to play video games when time allows and his favorite date and family outing is to a Disney Park. This didn't come to my knowledge front the first time meeting but over time I have gotten to truly know my husband and able to make important memories about him in my mind.

Gottman states in his book The Seven Principles for Marking Marriage Work that "There are few greater gifts a couple can give each other than the job that comes from feeling known and understood. Getting to know each other shouldn't be a chore." This is true. Coming to know your spouse happens over time, it is a long life time process. Through opportunities of dating, living together, and spending quality time together this should be happening daily. As we communicate and understand the feelings, needs, and wants of our spouse we are developing a great relationship and a stronger communication bond between the two of us.

As you develop your love map with your spouse you should also be expressing your appreciation to them. This comes in forms of compliments or actions. I am thankful daily for the job my husband has to support our family but I don't tell him enough how thankful I am that he works so hard and puts his family first and I forget to give him these compliments daily. I can't imagine the stress his work brings and how much better his dad would be if I would just let him know that he is appreciated through my actions and words. I decided that after reading and understanding the 2nd Principle of Maturing Your Fondness and Admiration that I have set a goal to do that in my marriage. I am looking for ways to make him feel loved and that I appreciate him. Gottman taught "singing each other's praises can only benefit your marriage" and why wouldn't I want that?


Want to see where your love map stands with your spouse? Try this exercise below: Ask your spouse these questions about yourself and see where your love map leads? When you have a more detailed love map of each other's world you are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflicts. We should all strive for that in our marriage. Trials happen and spouses may lose their way but having a detailed love map helps from shattering the marriage you once loved to be in.

Is your spouse your friend?

What makes a good friend? Who are your friends? Do you have a best friend? Do you have several? I would like to ask next is your best friend your husband or wife? If you answered no then maybe you have the answer to why maybe your relationship with your spouse isn’t the best or you seem to argue a lot and not resolve an issue. Friendships are important in a relationship.

John Gottman stated: “Bolstering your friendship is so critical in large part because it fuels the romance, passion, and great sex that we all hope marriage will provide, In fact, when a couple come to me complaining that sex has become routine, infrequent, or virtually nonexistent, I don’t start by handing them a sex manual Instead, I guide them through the first three principles so that they can reinforced and rediscover the camaraderie that brought them together in the first place. The strength of a couple’s friendship not only stokes the fire but also foretells the relationship’s future because it is the fundamental ingredient of positive sentiment override.”

When we are troubled in our marriage I hope that we always remember that our friend, our spouse, is who is there to help us through the tough times. Friends can talk, express their feelings, and share great memories together and that should be done with your spouse. I know to some people that to them saying your husband or wife is your best friend might sound cheesy and many will say that they need their own space from their husband or wife and I agree that  is important as well as being a good friend. Truly having a friendship with your spouse will strengthen your marriage relationship, and your love life. According to John Gottman it is the most important piece in a marriage, friendship.

When I look at my own husband I see a friend that is always there for me. Who supports me in my life goals, who doesn't get upset at my failures and is always encouraging me to do better. I hope this for everyone.