Merging Families

This week I wish I had read the readings before I got married 12 years ago. There was a lot of useful information and a lot I wish my husband had been educated on. I liked  what James Harper said that in Genesis 2:24 we read "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave until his wife: and they shall be one flesh." that this scripture doesn't mean abandon your family but it means to establish your own family and keep your mother rand father as the support and encouragement they should be after you gain a spouse.

Many in-laws are great. I always hear about in-laws that help and support the marriages and mind their own business and only help or give advice when asked. Then I have my own situation where my mother in law at my own wedding reception decided to make it about her and "losing" her son, where she proceeded to sing a song and read some poems she wrote about her son! My friends to this day don't let a year go by without reminding me about that situation that we can now laugh about but at the moment I wasn't laughing.

Things I have learned over my 12 years of marriage is how to be a mother in law by learning things not to do as mine did! I am very patient and respectful of the fact that she is my husband's mother but being that we are a military family she constantly cries that her son left her and moved away and no longer is around for her.

In-laws are important but there does need to be boundaries as each family should have their own traditions and each spouse should want to turn to each other for support and advice. Thankfully my husband has over time expressed that his family and we have established our won holiday traditions and birthday celebrations while incorporating both sides of the families.

Merging families isn't easy but they are worth keeping around!

Couple Council

When thinking about couple council this can be formal or not informal. It is a time you can set aside with your spouse to talk about issues that maybe couldn't be talked about due to the event a situation happened at or infront of people you wished to not discuss the issues infront of.

My husband and I find ourselves not able to finish some conversations because our children are around. This is when a couple council would benefit us. We can take time to come back together and take time to give the issue or conversation the attention it needs.

Elder Ballard in his "Counseling With Your Councils" excerpt we read this week he gave very important instructions in how to hold councils and these should apply to couples. We should have an agenda. Even if its just a verbal one. Just express what each want to discuss and give each others concerns the attention they should get.  Praying is always a must. When you ask the spirit to dwell wihtin your meeting you may feel peace and comfort as you discuss topics that may be difficult to dicuss with the person you love the most.

When in a relationship communication is very important. Being able to respect what each other is saying and have to say is a must. When we are united together we do not fall.  My husband and mine's favorite movie is "The Break up" and our favorite scene is when the girl in the relationship asked for lemons and her boyfriend only brought back 3 yet she asked for 12. He tried to make her think that 3 were ok but she was trying to prove a point that she asked for 12 she needed 12 for her centerpiece. We laugh at this scene because he was being selfish and was in a hurry and didn't think about her wants. We know refer to this scene if we are in a "tiff" or need a goo laugh because laughter is great. I always reply to him if we have a disagreement "baby wanted 12 lemons" and that can stop our anger and make us smile! It's great to have a fall back on to refocus our love.



Baby wanted 12 lemons

Cheating is not ok

The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. … We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God.”

The Family: A Proclamation to the World, Ensign, Nov. 1995, 102.

We are privileged to have the Family Proclamation to read daily as Latter Day Saints. Infidelity happens even in those who are sealed for time and eternity in the temple. We are all human no one is perfect however we should never get ourselves in a situation that could jeopardize our relationships with our spouse or make them feel as if we don't treasure the relationship we have or don't trust them with our hearts and feelings. I took away from the readings this week that we may find ourselves in a situation that to us seem ok but to our spouse they see us pulling away even when we mean no harm or physical intimacy with a co-worker. Emotional infidelity is just as bad as physical. Even though you aren't physically in a relationship with the other person you are sharing your dreams, hopes, and life with them emotionally as you should be sharing with your spouse. Communication is key and we should always keep an open communication with our spouse so that we don't find ourselves going down a road of emotionally cheating on our spouse.





 

Follow your Dreams

Everyone as a child growing up had a dream. A dream to be a teacher, a mother, an author, and actor/actress. The list could go on and on. My children have dreams. My 9 year old son wants to play hockey in the NHL for the Carolina Hurricanes and my daughter wants to be an actress on the Disney Channel. The odds of these dreams happening are slim but as their mother I can only hope they follow their desires and strive to do the best they can.

When they get married their dreams will still be there and I'm sure they will be changed a million times over before they reach the age of marriage but when they enter their marriage they will be combining their dreams with their spouse and that is when they will have to figure out how to achieve their own dreams while being emotionally and physically and even financially supportive of their spouses dreams.

I think of my own marriage often while reading these chapters in this book. My husband I joking say that at the age of 36 he just doesn't know what he wants to be when he grows up but I support him in all his continuing education desires and job changes. However I finally expressed my desire to finish my degree and that I didn't feel it fair to our children for us both to be in school full time and at that point when I brought it up about me starting school again I just felt it was time but needed his support and help around the house if I was going to resume with classes to finish the degree I started 12 years ago.

When in a relationship you need to hear each other out. Dreams aren't meant to be squashed but they may require years in the waiting if your spouse is pursuing their dreams. G0ttman stated that just because you support your spouse dream doesn't mean that you believe that dream can or should be realized it just means you are honoring your partner's dreams which then benefits your marriage.

We all need to acknowledge and respect our spouses dreams and desires and their personal hopes and that is key to enriching our marriages. I am so thankful for my husbands faith in me to finish my degree and helping me out even though he is in school and working full time himself but he is never negative or expecting a lot out of me while I'm in school. The house may look a bit crazy at times but he is understanding and even vacuums and mops more now than he ever has in our entire 13 years of marriage.

In the end we need to make sure we can be a listener of our spouses dreams. We need to say thank you in times when they support us or help us out achieving our dreams or even just the fact that they listened and understood your hopes. Count your blessings and especially thank your spouse for their support and love.

Solving Problems

Resolving Problems that are Solvable.

Tips to Solve problems in your marriage that are solvable. As laid out in Gottman’s Book

Step 1: Soften your start-up
Step 2: Learn to make and receive repair attempts
Step 3: Soothe yourself and each other
Step 4: Compromise
Step 5: Process any grievances so that they don’t linger

Interesting fact that 40 percent of the time do couples divorce because they are having frequent, devastating fights. They usually end to avoid each other where the then end their friendship and sense of connection are lost.  These steps above help you be able to solve problems so that you and your spouse can work through things that are important to you and by doing so in a way that you don’t disconnect.

The step I want to touch on is Step 4: Compromise. Compromising in a relationship is key in my opinion. You don’t have to both agree but you both have to agree to disagree or even agree to do it or change something even if it isn’t what you wanted in the first place but since it will make your partner happy then in the long rum it is ok.

I get very annoyed in my relationship fast but I know my husband just means well when he says: “whatever you want to do” or “whatever you say” or “Whatever works for me if you are happy.” These phrases are his way of comprising and I see it as him not being able to ever get his way because he is just focused on making sure I am happy and I am getting things done the way I want. This is the frustrating part to me. I want to know what he wants and what he wants to do or how he wants to do things.

This made me think do men give up way more than what they should for their woman to be happy? Or do we as women give up for our husband to be happy?  I took it a step further than my thinking and asked my husband and his reply was priceless. He informed me that sometimes he really doesn’t care how the curtains are hung and what color. I then asked him what about when we are discussing questions like for example, when to have a baby or when to make a big purchase and he said that is when he doesn't give his generic replies of "whatever you want "because he does care and I am thankful that  we do have the ability to communicate effectively when discussing big changes in our lives and we can comprise when we relay have to. We work together and find common ground, yes we can drive each other crazy but we wouldn’t want life any other way.

                  

 

 

Finding Time

There are times when I feel my husband and I are on each others same wave lengths and others I am like why are we both in left field and can't communicate? When reading Gottman's 3rd Principle Turning toward each other instead of away it reminded me of why sometimes we seem to connected very easily and others we just can't seem to click.
I took time to evaluate and think about why I feel we are off after reviewing this Principle and I concluded that we weren't turning towards each other. We are sampling missing the clues that we both are seeking attention from each other and then get upset that the clues aren't being read and feel neglected.  We were putting up roadblocks.

These missed connections happen because sometimes we are defensive to our spouses and don't see the intent they are really try to get across to us as their partner. I am one to admit that I always think that my spouse is busy with work, school work, or other concerns to spend time with me. I am a supportive spouse but I also like my time with him and I express this often and he always usually replies with I am here at home. I need to be more clear that I miss spending actually time with him talking and being together.

When I brought this up to him and being we are both in school so we have decided that since our afternoon is filled with children and their activities and then after they go to bed we focus on our own school work we came up with a plan of me visiting him at work and I sit and do my school work in his office while he works on days he doesn't have meetings and my youngest is in preschool. It is just a 2 hours but those two hours we are able to be together and feel like we aren't always doing separate things but are able to get a few chats in here and there between his phone calls and my readings. I have found that it's these small moments of making time for each other is a great way of showing each other that we are trying to make time for our relationship even if it is doing work together!

Since we have started doing this our conversations come easier. I feel we are more aware of each others stresses and demands of work and school work. I know that he would love to give me 100 percent of his time but he spends most of that time trying to make life better for myself and our children and make sure we have everything we need and more in life.


Even though we might not communicate the best it is our intention to be the best we can for each other and work on communicating better and making time for each other because in the end we do love each other forever and ever and ever...

Love Map

How did we become to know our spouse? I say "to know" your spouse is accomplished through dating. When thinking back to dating my husband we had a blast! We did things together and with other peers our age. We attended sporting events, played co-ed sports together, and even studied together. We had mutual likes and even differences but we had fun together. This was the start of our love map. Starting off we were just trying to figure out what each other liked and disliked and as we figured that out our map was starting and making branches off of our first interaction. Since our first date and now into 12 years of marriage I can tell you that my husband is an avid sports lover and is a die heart NC STATE fan and in his house we do not like UNC. He likes to have his clothes washed in only Tide detergent and refuses to use anything other than Charmin as toilet paper. He will eat just about anything but no onions. He is a kid at heart and still likes to play video games when time allows and his favorite date and family outing is to a Disney Park. This didn't come to my knowledge front the first time meeting but over time I have gotten to truly know my husband and able to make important memories about him in my mind.

Gottman states in his book The Seven Principles for Marking Marriage Work that "There are few greater gifts a couple can give each other than the job that comes from feeling known and understood. Getting to know each other shouldn't be a chore." This is true. Coming to know your spouse happens over time, it is a long life time process. Through opportunities of dating, living together, and spending quality time together this should be happening daily. As we communicate and understand the feelings, needs, and wants of our spouse we are developing a great relationship and a stronger communication bond between the two of us.

As you develop your love map with your spouse you should also be expressing your appreciation to them. This comes in forms of compliments or actions. I am thankful daily for the job my husband has to support our family but I don't tell him enough how thankful I am that he works so hard and puts his family first and I forget to give him these compliments daily. I can't imagine the stress his work brings and how much better his dad would be if I would just let him know that he is appreciated through my actions and words. I decided that after reading and understanding the 2nd Principle of Maturing Your Fondness and Admiration that I have set a goal to do that in my marriage. I am looking for ways to make him feel loved and that I appreciate him. Gottman taught "singing each other's praises can only benefit your marriage" and why wouldn't I want that?


Want to see where your love map stands with your spouse? Try this exercise below: Ask your spouse these questions about yourself and see where your love map leads? When you have a more detailed love map of each other's world you are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflicts. We should all strive for that in our marriage. Trials happen and spouses may lose their way but having a detailed love map helps from shattering the marriage you once loved to be in.

Is your spouse your friend?

What makes a good friend? Who are your friends? Do you have a best friend? Do you have several? I would like to ask next is your best friend your husband or wife? If you answered no then maybe you have the answer to why maybe your relationship with your spouse isn’t the best or you seem to argue a lot and not resolve an issue. Friendships are important in a relationship.

John Gottman stated: “Bolstering your friendship is so critical in large part because it fuels the romance, passion, and great sex that we all hope marriage will provide, In fact, when a couple come to me complaining that sex has become routine, infrequent, or virtually nonexistent, I don’t start by handing them a sex manual Instead, I guide them through the first three principles so that they can reinforced and rediscover the camaraderie that brought them together in the first place. The strength of a couple’s friendship not only stokes the fire but also foretells the relationship’s future because it is the fundamental ingredient of positive sentiment override.”

When we are troubled in our marriage I hope that we always remember that our friend, our spouse, is who is there to help us through the tough times. Friends can talk, express their feelings, and share great memories together and that should be done with your spouse. I know to some people that to them saying your husband or wife is your best friend might sound cheesy and many will say that they need their own space from their husband or wife and I agree that  is important as well as being a good friend. Truly having a friendship with your spouse will strengthen your marriage relationship, and your love life. According to John Gottman it is the most important piece in a marriage, friendship.

When I look at my own husband I see a friend that is always there for me. Who supports me in my life goals, who doesn't get upset at my failures and is always encouraging me to do better. I hope this for everyone.

Putting God's Kingdom First

Prophet Joseph Smith spoke on the importance of putting God's Kingdom first in our lives to the priesthood brethren. When reading that address that he gape and how he praised the priesthood for their faith and labors in the cause of righteousness and for doing the work of the Lord and using their priesthood for mankind. It made me ponder my genogram graph.

When complying my Genogram graph I have my grandparents on my mom side both members of the church but my grandfather choose other ways of the world to follow and therefore all his 7 children didn't stay active in the church and some weren't even baptized members while living at home. My grandmother is still active in the church she fell away for a while and remarried another man after divorcing my grandfather but her children were effected by their marriage and inactivity in the church. I think on this because home lives do effect the outcome of individuals that live in them. Due to an inactive Priesthood holder the siblings didn't all stay active in the church therefore their children aren't members.

Joseph Smith in his address is simply telling the priesthood holders that it is especially important we put the Lord's Kingdom first. He later tells them as they do this they will seek eternity.

How can we as servants of God seek out our own blessing that come from eternal life from what we know about marriages and God's Plan? How can we receive the blessings of a Temple Marriage and understand what those blessings are and how they can bless ourselves and our prosperity.

Receiving the Priesthood is one step to gaining eternal life a man can achieve  women also can share the blessing in this by preparing themselves and keeping the commandments and serving the church in their divine callings.

Attending the temple regularly and remember our covenants we took ourselves and bringing the spirit we feel at the temple home into our daily lives can bless our marriage and bring peace and comfort into our home life.

When we are actively following God's plan and being obedient our children will see this and want that joy and happiness in their lives. As we teach our children about the Temple and are an example of a happy marriage and one that both spouses love the Lord and serve him and love each other then marriage can be saved and children can grow up in homes that have both parents intact.
I know to be fact that when we put our Savior first in our lives and our marriage that we will be blessed and our children will be blessed and so forth.

Defender of Truth

Often times as a disciple of Christ our job feels huge. We are truly followers of Christ who share his gospel and commandments to those around us. As we share the truth it isn't always accepted as well as we wish it to be. We must as Disciples of Christ and always be that example to the people we interact with each day and not just show up on Sunday and pay our "dues" and attend our weekly meetings. We must be always be ready to defend and stand up for the truth and right as we know and defend the commandments of Christ.  We must stand up to the truthfulness of the Gospel even if the laws of the land have swayed a different way to include equal rights to those who choose to marry the same sex.

The truth I will be discussing today is the marriage to be between a man and woman. God's plan is just that. To be chaste until marriage and then after marriage to have fidelity with your spouse and to multiply and replenish the earth. A man and woman are need to have children. We cannot change true doctrine. It has been written and we must bare witness of this truth. It is my responsibility to do that, and yours.

As a disciple of Christ I daily share my testimony of marriage. Not just sharing my beliefs on the Temple Marriage I have with my husband but my beliefs that marriage should be just between a man and a woman. I understand that as an American citizen have the right to be married to that of the same sex however, Christ's doctrine didn't change. His church was established and his word never changes.

As a member of the Gospel of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints I have a testimony of a living prophet and with that testimony comes sustaining them and follow their counsel. In 1995 the first presidency came out with the Family Proclamation and it states :

“We, the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children. . . .The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity."

 

With this knowledge and revelation from the prophet I can be a true disciple of Christ daily and defend his doctrine of marriage between a man and woman. I can do this by keeping the commandments and doing what I have promised to do when I was baptized a member of His church.

 

In It For The kids?

When you look at a married couple do you ever wonder if they are truly still in love? Has their love for one another changed over the years of marriage? Have they fallen in and out of love for one another, or are they still happily in love and fall more and more for their spouse each day?

. 
As for me being married for almost 12 years I can testify that it isn't always rainbows and butterflies but I can promise that because the love my husband and I have for each other we make it through each day and promise to be better tomorrow at showing our love and support for one another. We do this for our children. It is important to us that our children see us as not only a loving mother and father to each of them but a loving husband and wife to one another.

Many may not be aware that children are effected by their parents marriage. They can feel the tension when it arises they can hear the words exchanged and they can see when one is avoiding the other. On the flip side they also can see the kisses exchanged, the hand being lifted to help in house hold duties, and the intimacy that should be present in marriage daily.

 Raising children in a two parent home shows that the children have a higher standard of living, receive more effective parenting, and experience more parenting done by both parents. These children being raised by both their parents in the same home also are emotionally closer to both their mom and dad and are subjected to less stressful events in their lives. On the opposite side of this children in a divorced family tend to have weaker emotional bonds with mothers and fathers than do their peers in a two-parent family. When both parents are present in a child's life they have that love and support they need to learn and grow.

When self evaluating your own personal marriage do you stay in it for the kids? Are you avoiding divorce because you don't want your children to suffer the stresses that come from being a child of divorced parents. Do we want that for our kids? Do we want our kids to see us struggling and not happy or do we want our children to see us as someone who faces our fears and better our lives by getting out of a marriage that isn't healthy. It's a tough question. You won't know till you are in the situation, you can only know facts. If you stay married for the kids be the example of commitment and love you want them to go forth in life and have in their marriage. Change the odds. Allow them to see what marriage should be. Children are our future and they need stable and secure places to live and grow emotionally and socially.


(photos credit to @Columbia pictures and www.aproverbswife.com)