Merging Families

This week I wish I had read the readings before I got married 12 years ago. There was a lot of useful information and a lot I wish my husband had been educated on. I liked  what James Harper said that in Genesis 2:24 we read "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave until his wife: and they shall be one flesh." that this scripture doesn't mean abandon your family but it means to establish your own family and keep your mother rand father as the support and encouragement they should be after you gain a spouse.

Many in-laws are great. I always hear about in-laws that help and support the marriages and mind their own business and only help or give advice when asked. Then I have my own situation where my mother in law at my own wedding reception decided to make it about her and "losing" her son, where she proceeded to sing a song and read some poems she wrote about her son! My friends to this day don't let a year go by without reminding me about that situation that we can now laugh about but at the moment I wasn't laughing.

Things I have learned over my 12 years of marriage is how to be a mother in law by learning things not to do as mine did! I am very patient and respectful of the fact that she is my husband's mother but being that we are a military family she constantly cries that her son left her and moved away and no longer is around for her.

In-laws are important but there does need to be boundaries as each family should have their own traditions and each spouse should want to turn to each other for support and advice. Thankfully my husband has over time expressed that his family and we have established our won holiday traditions and birthday celebrations while incorporating both sides of the families.

Merging families isn't easy but they are worth keeping around!

Couple Council

When thinking about couple council this can be formal or not informal. It is a time you can set aside with your spouse to talk about issues that maybe couldn't be talked about due to the event a situation happened at or infront of people you wished to not discuss the issues infront of.

My husband and I find ourselves not able to finish some conversations because our children are around. This is when a couple council would benefit us. We can take time to come back together and take time to give the issue or conversation the attention it needs.

Elder Ballard in his "Counseling With Your Councils" excerpt we read this week he gave very important instructions in how to hold councils and these should apply to couples. We should have an agenda. Even if its just a verbal one. Just express what each want to discuss and give each others concerns the attention they should get.  Praying is always a must. When you ask the spirit to dwell wihtin your meeting you may feel peace and comfort as you discuss topics that may be difficult to dicuss with the person you love the most.

When in a relationship communication is very important. Being able to respect what each other is saying and have to say is a must. When we are united together we do not fall.  My husband and mine's favorite movie is "The Break up" and our favorite scene is when the girl in the relationship asked for lemons and her boyfriend only brought back 3 yet she asked for 12. He tried to make her think that 3 were ok but she was trying to prove a point that she asked for 12 she needed 12 for her centerpiece. We laugh at this scene because he was being selfish and was in a hurry and didn't think about her wants. We know refer to this scene if we are in a "tiff" or need a goo laugh because laughter is great. I always reply to him if we have a disagreement "baby wanted 12 lemons" and that can stop our anger and make us smile! It's great to have a fall back on to refocus our love.



Baby wanted 12 lemons

Cheating is not ok

The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. … We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God.”

The Family: A Proclamation to the World, Ensign, Nov. 1995, 102.

We are privileged to have the Family Proclamation to read daily as Latter Day Saints. Infidelity happens even in those who are sealed for time and eternity in the temple. We are all human no one is perfect however we should never get ourselves in a situation that could jeopardize our relationships with our spouse or make them feel as if we don't treasure the relationship we have or don't trust them with our hearts and feelings. I took away from the readings this week that we may find ourselves in a situation that to us seem ok but to our spouse they see us pulling away even when we mean no harm or physical intimacy with a co-worker. Emotional infidelity is just as bad as physical. Even though you aren't physically in a relationship with the other person you are sharing your dreams, hopes, and life with them emotionally as you should be sharing with your spouse. Communication is key and we should always keep an open communication with our spouse so that we don't find ourselves going down a road of emotionally cheating on our spouse.





 

Follow your Dreams

Everyone as a child growing up had a dream. A dream to be a teacher, a mother, an author, and actor/actress. The list could go on and on. My children have dreams. My 9 year old son wants to play hockey in the NHL for the Carolina Hurricanes and my daughter wants to be an actress on the Disney Channel. The odds of these dreams happening are slim but as their mother I can only hope they follow their desires and strive to do the best they can.

When they get married their dreams will still be there and I'm sure they will be changed a million times over before they reach the age of marriage but when they enter their marriage they will be combining their dreams with their spouse and that is when they will have to figure out how to achieve their own dreams while being emotionally and physically and even financially supportive of their spouses dreams.

I think of my own marriage often while reading these chapters in this book. My husband I joking say that at the age of 36 he just doesn't know what he wants to be when he grows up but I support him in all his continuing education desires and job changes. However I finally expressed my desire to finish my degree and that I didn't feel it fair to our children for us both to be in school full time and at that point when I brought it up about me starting school again I just felt it was time but needed his support and help around the house if I was going to resume with classes to finish the degree I started 12 years ago.

When in a relationship you need to hear each other out. Dreams aren't meant to be squashed but they may require years in the waiting if your spouse is pursuing their dreams. G0ttman stated that just because you support your spouse dream doesn't mean that you believe that dream can or should be realized it just means you are honoring your partner's dreams which then benefits your marriage.

We all need to acknowledge and respect our spouses dreams and desires and their personal hopes and that is key to enriching our marriages. I am so thankful for my husbands faith in me to finish my degree and helping me out even though he is in school and working full time himself but he is never negative or expecting a lot out of me while I'm in school. The house may look a bit crazy at times but he is understanding and even vacuums and mops more now than he ever has in our entire 13 years of marriage.

In the end we need to make sure we can be a listener of our spouses dreams. We need to say thank you in times when they support us or help us out achieving our dreams or even just the fact that they listened and understood your hopes. Count your blessings and especially thank your spouse for their support and love.

Solving Problems

Resolving Problems that are Solvable.

Tips to Solve problems in your marriage that are solvable. As laid out in Gottman’s Book

Step 1: Soften your start-up
Step 2: Learn to make and receive repair attempts
Step 3: Soothe yourself and each other
Step 4: Compromise
Step 5: Process any grievances so that they don’t linger

Interesting fact that 40 percent of the time do couples divorce because they are having frequent, devastating fights. They usually end to avoid each other where the then end their friendship and sense of connection are lost.  These steps above help you be able to solve problems so that you and your spouse can work through things that are important to you and by doing so in a way that you don’t disconnect.

The step I want to touch on is Step 4: Compromise. Compromising in a relationship is key in my opinion. You don’t have to both agree but you both have to agree to disagree or even agree to do it or change something even if it isn’t what you wanted in the first place but since it will make your partner happy then in the long rum it is ok.

I get very annoyed in my relationship fast but I know my husband just means well when he says: “whatever you want to do” or “whatever you say” or “Whatever works for me if you are happy.” These phrases are his way of comprising and I see it as him not being able to ever get his way because he is just focused on making sure I am happy and I am getting things done the way I want. This is the frustrating part to me. I want to know what he wants and what he wants to do or how he wants to do things.

This made me think do men give up way more than what they should for their woman to be happy? Or do we as women give up for our husband to be happy?  I took it a step further than my thinking and asked my husband and his reply was priceless. He informed me that sometimes he really doesn’t care how the curtains are hung and what color. I then asked him what about when we are discussing questions like for example, when to have a baby or when to make a big purchase and he said that is when he doesn't give his generic replies of "whatever you want "because he does care and I am thankful that  we do have the ability to communicate effectively when discussing big changes in our lives and we can comprise when we relay have to. We work together and find common ground, yes we can drive each other crazy but we wouldn’t want life any other way.

                  

 

 

Finding Time

There are times when I feel my husband and I are on each others same wave lengths and others I am like why are we both in left field and can't communicate? When reading Gottman's 3rd Principle Turning toward each other instead of away it reminded me of why sometimes we seem to connected very easily and others we just can't seem to click.
I took time to evaluate and think about why I feel we are off after reviewing this Principle and I concluded that we weren't turning towards each other. We are sampling missing the clues that we both are seeking attention from each other and then get upset that the clues aren't being read and feel neglected.  We were putting up roadblocks.

These missed connections happen because sometimes we are defensive to our spouses and don't see the intent they are really try to get across to us as their partner. I am one to admit that I always think that my spouse is busy with work, school work, or other concerns to spend time with me. I am a supportive spouse but I also like my time with him and I express this often and he always usually replies with I am here at home. I need to be more clear that I miss spending actually time with him talking and being together.

When I brought this up to him and being we are both in school so we have decided that since our afternoon is filled with children and their activities and then after they go to bed we focus on our own school work we came up with a plan of me visiting him at work and I sit and do my school work in his office while he works on days he doesn't have meetings and my youngest is in preschool. It is just a 2 hours but those two hours we are able to be together and feel like we aren't always doing separate things but are able to get a few chats in here and there between his phone calls and my readings. I have found that it's these small moments of making time for each other is a great way of showing each other that we are trying to make time for our relationship even if it is doing work together!

Since we have started doing this our conversations come easier. I feel we are more aware of each others stresses and demands of work and school work. I know that he would love to give me 100 percent of his time but he spends most of that time trying to make life better for myself and our children and make sure we have everything we need and more in life.


Even though we might not communicate the best it is our intention to be the best we can for each other and work on communicating better and making time for each other because in the end we do love each other forever and ever and ever...

Love Map

How did we become to know our spouse? I say "to know" your spouse is accomplished through dating. When thinking back to dating my husband we had a blast! We did things together and with other peers our age. We attended sporting events, played co-ed sports together, and even studied together. We had mutual likes and even differences but we had fun together. This was the start of our love map. Starting off we were just trying to figure out what each other liked and disliked and as we figured that out our map was starting and making branches off of our first interaction. Since our first date and now into 12 years of marriage I can tell you that my husband is an avid sports lover and is a die heart NC STATE fan and in his house we do not like UNC. He likes to have his clothes washed in only Tide detergent and refuses to use anything other than Charmin as toilet paper. He will eat just about anything but no onions. He is a kid at heart and still likes to play video games when time allows and his favorite date and family outing is to a Disney Park. This didn't come to my knowledge front the first time meeting but over time I have gotten to truly know my husband and able to make important memories about him in my mind.

Gottman states in his book The Seven Principles for Marking Marriage Work that "There are few greater gifts a couple can give each other than the job that comes from feeling known and understood. Getting to know each other shouldn't be a chore." This is true. Coming to know your spouse happens over time, it is a long life time process. Through opportunities of dating, living together, and spending quality time together this should be happening daily. As we communicate and understand the feelings, needs, and wants of our spouse we are developing a great relationship and a stronger communication bond between the two of us.

As you develop your love map with your spouse you should also be expressing your appreciation to them. This comes in forms of compliments or actions. I am thankful daily for the job my husband has to support our family but I don't tell him enough how thankful I am that he works so hard and puts his family first and I forget to give him these compliments daily. I can't imagine the stress his work brings and how much better his dad would be if I would just let him know that he is appreciated through my actions and words. I decided that after reading and understanding the 2nd Principle of Maturing Your Fondness and Admiration that I have set a goal to do that in my marriage. I am looking for ways to make him feel loved and that I appreciate him. Gottman taught "singing each other's praises can only benefit your marriage" and why wouldn't I want that?


Want to see where your love map stands with your spouse? Try this exercise below: Ask your spouse these questions about yourself and see where your love map leads? When you have a more detailed love map of each other's world you are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflicts. We should all strive for that in our marriage. Trials happen and spouses may lose their way but having a detailed love map helps from shattering the marriage you once loved to be in.