How did we become to know our spouse? I say "to know" your spouse is accomplished through dating. When thinking back to dating my husband we had a blast! We did things together and with other peers our age. We attended sporting events, played co-ed sports together, and even studied together. We had mutual likes and even differences but we had fun together. This was the start of our love map. Starting off we were just trying to figure out what each other liked and disliked and as we figured that out our map was starting and making branches off of our first interaction. Since our first date and now into 12 years of marriage I can tell you that my husband is an avid sports lover and is a die heart NC STATE fan and in his house we do not like UNC. He likes to have his clothes washed in only Tide detergent and refuses to use anything other than Charmin as toilet paper. He will eat just about anything but no onions. He is a kid at heart and still likes to play video games when time allows and his favorite date and family outing is to a Disney Park. This didn't come to my knowledge front the first time meeting but over time I have gotten to truly know my husband and able to make important memories about him in my mind.
Gottman states in his book The Seven Principles for Marking Marriage Work that "There are few greater gifts a couple can give each other than the job that comes from feeling known and understood. Getting to know each other shouldn't be a chore." This is true. Coming to know your spouse happens over time, it is a long life time process. Through opportunities of dating, living together, and spending quality time together this should be happening daily. As we communicate and understand the feelings, needs, and wants of our spouse we are developing a great relationship and a stronger communication bond between the two of us.
As you develop your love map with your spouse you should also be expressing your appreciation to them. This comes in forms of compliments or actions. I am thankful daily for the job my husband has to support our family but I don't tell him enough how thankful I am that he works so hard and puts his family first and I forget to give him these compliments daily. I can't imagine the stress his work brings and how much better his dad would be if I would just let him know that he is appreciated through my actions and words. I decided that after reading and understanding the 2nd Principle of Maturing Your Fondness and Admiration that I have set a goal to do that in my marriage. I am looking for ways to make him feel loved and that I appreciate him. Gottman taught "singing each other's praises can only benefit your marriage" and why wouldn't I want that?
Want to see where your love map stands with your spouse? Try this exercise below: Ask your spouse these questions about yourself and see where your love map leads? When you have a more detailed love map of each other's world you are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflicts. We should all strive for that in our marriage. Trials happen and spouses may lose their way but having a detailed love map helps from shattering the marriage you once loved to be in.
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